Murder Ballad #2

Murder Ballad #2!
Enjoy. >:-)

LOVER
I was dark and she was fair,
Spring child to my autumn.
Morning mists, long summer heat,
Nightly trysts between the sheets,
A time I've n'er forgotten.

Virgin hands on virgin curves,
Blushing touch of innocent.
Candlelight on supple skin,
Creamy white as porcelain,
Earthen angel heaven sent.

I loved you so I could not bear
To have you love another.
To spend your passion in strange arms,
I’ll kill all who'd pull us asunder.

Around the sun, deepened love,
Always one, the wish I penned.
But this dream was not allowed,
Duty teamed to daughter's plow,
Our time, like all, must meet its end.

Your father said you must wed,
My brother as your chosen.
Tragic fate, a woman's trial,
Yet elate, I saw you smile,
When your heart should have broken.

I loved you so I could not bear
To see you loved another.
To spend your passion in his arms,
I’ll kill him first, my only brother.

That bridal day came and went,
Vows sealed with a sanctioned kiss.
Without words, I knew you felt,
Though caged birds convention knelt,
Come to the night we'd run from this.

So in the black witching hour,
I whispered outside your door,
Fly with me, my darling fair.
Fly to freedom open air.
We'll find escape across the moor.

I loved you so I could not bear
To let you love another.
To spend your passion in his arms,
I’ll kill you first, then my brother.

I listened for gentle step,
Ready to run with clasped hands.
Then your cries filled my ears,
Lustful sighs, not pain filled tears,
As he conquered my sacred lands.

How could you, my dearest heart,
Give him what was only mine?
Was I just a passing fling,
Not true love, your everything?
Then death my wedding gift to thine.

I loved you so I could not bear
And since you love another.
Then spend your passion in his arms,
Wanton whore like any other.

I drew steel dagger, needle blade,
Softly slipped in darkened room.
Nude bodies at nature's play,
Crude, shoddy, animal way,
No notice of impending doom.

Down I stabbed into his back,
Down as blood came pouring forth.
Scream my dear! Your turn is next.
Scream in fear or heat of sex.
Your traitor's heart has earned my torch.

I loved you so I could not bear.
How could you love another?
Now feel his blood run down your arms,
For him this blade, you I'll smother.

Bluest eyes framed in spun gold,
Even now she thinks I'll spare.
Satin pillow in my grasp,
Let lungs fill in one last gasp,
Upon her face my weight I bear.

She fights but short, feeble blows
Cannot move this woman's wrath.
Side by side, one red, one white,
Lover's lied, in bed of blight,
From my lips triumphant laugh.

I loved you so I could not bear
You'll never love another.
His bleeding body in limp arms,
Lie in death, you and my brother.

As sun sets, so must it rise,
They found me in river's swirl.
Blood soaked clothes, and slitted wrists,
Heaven knows, I could not live,
Without my love, my darling girl.

So ends my tale of love's loss,
Her betrayal and my sin.
Doomed to walk these crumbling halls,
Ghostly stalks upon the walls,
Stigmata wounds are not forgiven.

I loved you so I could not bear
To have you with another.
Your passion only for my arms,
Till death do part my sweet lover.

Murder Ballad #1

It's been ages since I've posted. Been too busy with too many projects and way too much work. However, one of those projects involves me writing some murder ballads. So here is number one and I kind of like it! I hope you do too! :)


"Red Velvet"

I walk the halls by candlelight,
Red glow at war with dark.
Shadow demons dog my steps,
Velvet soft towards my mark.

Blackened tresses piled high,
Hairpins hold sharp and tight,
Passion fired chocolate eyes,
Creamy breast exposed to night.

Crimson fountain, her final breath,
She sought his love, he gave her death.

Knock thrice upon your door,
Deep voice then beckons enter.
Green eyes fever to appraise.
He thinks me fly to spider.

Ruby gems on snowy throat.
Bloodred lips to crush with yours,
Allow strong hands to freely roam,
As I slyly lock the doors.

Crimson fountain, her final breath,
She sought his love, he gave her death.

His kind is no mystery,
Dancing closer, inches from edge.
Playing with mortality,
But this night brings his true end.

His dagger light against my skin,
Sharp steel through lace by lace.
As velvet dress falls away,
I step back to see his face.

Crimson fountain, her final breath,
She sought his love, he gave her death.

High on lust, animal gaze,
Craving pleasure in my pain.
I hold my hand to ask for knife,
Dare him to change the game.

So deep in heat, he complies,
I favor with lover's kiss.
Press him back onto the bed.
Rouge skirts spread over him.

Twin emeralds watch every move
As I trace his heart in steel.
Alight with life, hunger peaked,
Begging for pleasure meal.

Crimson fountain, her final breath,
She sought his love, he gave her death.

But pleasure is not this angel's gift,
As metal through flesh I plunge.
Quick gasp of pain and flood of blood,
Dark red the river runs.

Too stunned to fight, eyes' fire dies,
And I have my revenge.
Nevermore will he play to kill,
And sister's life avenged.

Crimson fountain, her final breath,
She sought his love, he gave her death.

Blood soaked dress stiffening,
I stalk halls as nightime wanes.
Tis no matter anyhow,
Red velvet hides the stains.

Sans words...

Sticking with the poetry again this time. I have a song tickling at my brain but it's not ready to show itself yet. In messing about with those lyrics though, some throwaway phrases that didn't fit the song came up. I loved the phrases and wanted to fit them into the song but no amount of smashing worked and rewriting them destroyed the music the words had all of their own. So a short poem it was and it's not bad at that. It may need another stanza at some point but it's finished for now. :) So much joy in my life right now. So funny to think 5 months ago I thought I'd never smile for real again. Now I can't stop! It can all change in an instance. But this piece is about reading actions over flowery words. Enjoy!

Foreplay

Ocean blue meets earthen brown
And worlds must fall away.
Eye to eye electric bound,
Lone two on separate plane.

Breathe synchrony, in chaste embrace,
Arms locked with head on chest.
Beating hearts in tandem race,
Sweet tension held in check.

Hand in hand is palmers' kiss,
Long walks and steps of dance,
Secret language in silence,
Mute poetry of romance.

Whimsy and musings

Back to poetry this time and this is simply reflections on how small reminders of home, childhood homes, can throw me right back to that little girl I was, all dreams and make believe and stories. A lonely child at times, finding friends in the natural world, when other children were too cruel. I grew up on fantasy and i think a bit always stayed close to my soul. Though practicality may erode the magic, a part of me believes in fairies still, or that a friendly breeze can carry secret messages just for you. :) (On a writing note, I'm leaving off punctuating this one for now...just doesn't seem to fit)

Kansas Winds

Kansas winds
Apple kiss cheeks
Swift fingers run
Through tousled hair
Lift soul's sometimes depression
With whispered caress, never alone
Always home

Homing

Pigeon straight
To midwest girl
Flown far away
Past mountain to sea
Still Kansas breeze
Finds tanned skin
Pushes hard,
Aiding steps, stopping tracks
Wind's whimsy
Directional fate
Blowing memories
Of remembered
Flights of fancy

Flights of fantasy

Long ago winds so strong
If small girls raised her wings
Ran ever so fast
Winds would carry her high
Skim lonely treetops
Spin her wild

Tornado's child

Woman grown
But still she knows
Old friend's touch
Imaginary family
I give kin's kiss
Tie back tangled tress
Secret smile 'cross face
I walk hand in hand

Freeze

Song lyrics again! It's fun to start writing about stories instead of just personal stuff. It allows me to grow and look from different points of view. In a much happier place these days and I think that means I can be a poet, not just a sad hurting girl. :) Ok, this piece. There are so many moments that I have that I wish I could just stop time and live in that one point in time forever and ever and ever. And i love to revisit those memories and live in that moment again. So that is the idea, moments: good, bad, and life changing. Because nothing is certain and nothing is forever. Life goes on, joy, pain, sorrow, happiness, laughter, etc. :)

"Freeze the Frame"
Dawn breaks and,
I wake then,
Reach my hand
For you lying next to me.

You open
Eyes hoping.
I float in
The smile spreading cross your face.

Arms hold me,
Enfold me,
As golden sun creeps into our room.

Freeze the frame.
Perfect picture,
Never again.
How happy we were
Then.

Long walks to
Deep talks you
Outfoxed the guards I had around my heart.

On one knee,
You won me,
To love me til death should ever do us part.

We thought we'd
Had caught, tree'd,
Our lot be to live forever and a day.

Freeze the frame.
Perfect picture,
Never again.
How happy we were
Then.

Wet nights, flashing lights,
One phone call to change my life.
No chance, no last dance,
Bad luck and circumstance.
No signs, out of time,
No reason and no rhyme.
Can't breathe, you and me
should've had eternity.

Freeze the frame.

You left me in the rain,

As I screamed out your Name.

Never again.

Her eyes clear,
Your eyes dear,
Dry my tears as your smile peeks out from her face.

Cinderella

I can take no credit for this piece. It wrote itself. A beautiful flow. Inspired by some lovely piano music. But I guess I'm running with themes of rebirth these days. Not much else to say about it. Just happy with it. :D

"Cinderella"

Dance.
Spin me round the room,
Arms strong and you,
Smiling in my eyes.

Dance.
Never let me fall.
Body heeds the call,
Melding she to you.

But as the music twists and turns,
Moving past the steps we learned,
Will we falter? Will we improvise?

Winding circles in the night,
Pretending there is no daylight.
When midnight chimes who is at my side?

Dance.
Feet above the floor,
Te amo mi amor.
Moments last a day.

Dance.
Only you and me,
Song has set us free.
They'll never catch us now.

But dawn it comes without reprieve,
And songs will stop eventually.
You'll kiss my lips and slowly walk away.

And I'll be left in tattered dress,
Crumpled rose in all the mess.
The dance was fire and so I burned to ash.

(music break?)

Left alone in crowded ball,
I turn and run down empty halls,
Losing shoes, tumbling at his feet.

Dance.
Gently take my hand.
Remind me I can stand.
Spin me round the room.

Choose your own adventure...

Finally I had some time to write!!! Still working on songs. I'm diggin' having a more focused format and finding a voice in lyrics. Though I won't leave my poetry completely, expect some more of that in a week or so. :) I'm fairly pleased with how this piece turned out though it fought me hard. I had the chorus written really fast went through a bunch of iterations and rhyme schemes for the stanzas. Sometimes things flow easy and sometimes you really have to work for the words. I think I really needed to sit down and focus on it. I guess writing all the crappy words allowed me to find the right ones. I loved the "Choose Your Own Adventure" books when I was little and I would always bookmark the "choice" points and if I didn't like the way the path i chose ended up, I would go back and choose another path. And those books were funny because almost every path but one led to a tiger pit or some other horrible death. So how do you pick the right path and how do you know you're on the right one? So that's the inspiration and here is my piece!

"Choose"

Fortune teller read my deck.
Highest joy or epic wreck,
Turn cards to give my fate,
'Cause I don't want to wait. 

Don't need details or master plan.
Just tell me when to play my hand.
What are the moves I'll dance
To strike iron hot on chance?

But if I knew the ending, be it bitter and/or sweet,
Would I still fight battle fierce or hope through certain defeat?

I'll choose my own adventure,
Walk firmly down my path,
But on this journey, no bookmarks, 
No stops and let's go back.
So I march on through twists and turns,
No golden thread to guide,
Mazed and crazed by life's labyrinth, 
Clear voice despite blind eyes.

Which decision turns the page:
Jump left, steer right, abandon, save?
Which is the crucial choice?
What's signal over noise?

What if I ran? What if I stood?
Did what I can not what I should?
Missed love along the way.
Please will I be ok?

But if I knew the ending, be it bitter and/or sweet,
Would I still fight battle fierce or hope through certain defeat?

I'll choose my own adventure,
Walk firmly down my path,
But on this journey, no bookmarks,
No stops, and let's go back.
So I march on through twists and turns,
No golden thread to guide,
Mazed and crazed by life's labyrinth,
Clear voice despite blind eyes.

I'll write my book, can't skip ahead, each chapter in its time.
Won't check the last one for my name to see if I survive.
For every life's a story, though our endings all the same,
Our steps scripting black on white, but grey is human state.
No, I won't ask for answers, take bitter with the sweet,
Fight battle fierce through all the storms and hope long past defeats.

(X2?)
I'll choose my own adventure,
Walk firmly down my path,
But on this journey, no bookmarks, 
No stops and let's go back.
So I march on through twists and turns,
No golden thread to guide,
Mazed and crazed by life's labyrinth, 
Clear voice despite blind eyes.  

Love songs

So I've been debating posting this song for several weeks now. And with this posting I think I will comment more fully than I have previously and then close a chapter of my life. I was unsure about this posting not because the piece is bad. Actually, I quite like it and can already hear the tune to the chorus. I was unsure because it was quite pointed and the most focused towards a single person, using bits and pieces from our relationship that were direct comments between us. (Predominantly, that he'd never been able to write a love song, the inspiration for the piece) And that person may see it as an attack. And I guess it is in a small way, but not offensive, defensive, fighting back to reclaim myself. But I had to post it, because this is what I was feeling, honest, raw, and yes, angry and hurt. Writing this and "Phoenix" were an exorcism of some serious pain that I'm not sure I was suppressing or just wishing I was better then. But when I feel disrespected and lied too, I get angry. I hate it. I'd rather have a miserable truth ten million times over the most well intentioned lie. Because, when trust is broken between two people, it doesn't matter what the lies are, what matters is that the lies happened. Oh the flip side, I do finally see that this breakup had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him and his damage. I watch him returning to the same old patterns and realize that he doesn't want a real deep connection, one that requires sacrifice, work, and great patience,but gives great payoff, but passing flings in the guise of gf/bf. And I ignored all the warning signs because I was in love and blind and so willing to believe in the best of him. And I was wrong. I don't like being wrong and I feel played for the fool. And yes, there is still a lot of pain there, but there is also closure. There was really only one way for this to end. I miss the best of him because in the start that is what he showed me. I see now that it was a facade, and facades never hold. And the vindictive prideful part of me hopes someday he regrets throwing me away with all his being. It is unlikely though so with this piece, I'm letting this sh*t go. Not saying I'll never write another song or poem on heartbreak, but this is the last one in regards to him. Time to look towards the future. Phoenix hope. (That is so going to be my new secret internal cheerleader phrase!) Enjoy and maybe someday I'll finish this (is definitely needs a little more work) into a full song with a tune and everything!


"Love Songs"

Rockstar, big city lights,
Playing the crowd,
Owning the night.

When I met you,
Dark eyes in the sea,
You reached out your hand,
Reaching for me...

I believed your lies, every word spoken.
Now I see you true, you're the one who's broken.

Can't write love songs
If you've never fallen.
Can't score the notes
Without feeling the tune.
Can't write love songs
When you lie to yourself,
And without love
Say goodbye to your muse.

Rockstar, high on my drug,
The music flowed free,
Soaring above.

With a pretty phrase,
I came to your call.
I gave you my heart.
You held me enthralled.

I believed your lies, every word spoken.
Now I see you true, you're the one who's broken.

Can't write love songs
If you've never fallen.
Can't score the notes
Without feeling the tune.
Can't write love songs
When you lie to yourself,
And without love
Say goodbye to your muse.

She caught your eye and you threw me away,
But since I've been gone, no songs can you play.
Your love is a myth, a story, no more.
And your muse knew the truth,
So she walked out the door.

Can't write love songs
If you've never fallen.
Can't score the notes
Without feeling the tune.
Can't write love songs
When you lie to yourself,
And without love
Say goodbye to your muse.

Can't write love songs
If you've never fallen.
Can't score the notes
Without feeling the tune.
Can't write love songs
When you lie to yourself,
And without love
Say goodbye to your muse.

And without me,
Show's over. You lose.

Phoenix Hope

Aaack, I've looked at the piece for too long, the words begin to feel contrived as if I've lost the inspiration. But i think that just means I need to send it out into the aether. Let is breathe a bit. I don't know if this is a song or a poem, but it's, it's, well, it's the inner fight I haven't expressed. So much has happened lately to bring back out all I was suppressing. This is a very structured piece though not perfect in rhyme or meter, a bit more organic with just a touch of chaos. Enjoy. :)

Phoenix
Sucker punch I never saw,
No time to slip the hit.
At loss for air, you knock me down.
No thoughts, just pain, that’s it.

Layed out in dirt, muddied tears,
Bloodied heart in hands.
My eyes to you, dark with rage,
As I struggled to feet, to stand.

I will fall and I will rise up to fall once more.
Phoenix hope in ashen coat, ready for next tour.
Walls I built to protect, I’ll crumble with a phrase,
For there is strength in letting go, to risk can be to save.

Blackened orbs smoldering,
Windows to shattered soul,
But head held high, stubborn pride,
Taking back all that you stole.

Though I am left here bleeding
With all the blows you gave,
It's you who are the broken
For all you seem unscathed.

I will fall and I will rise up to fall once more.
Phoenix hope in ashen coat, ready for next tour.
Walls I built to protect, I’ll crumble with a phrase,
For there is strength in letting go, to risk can be to save.

Scarred by passion unreturned,
I'll take another chance,
Step back into the fiery ring.
Sound the bell, I'll dare to dance.

For I can love with open heart,
Whisper truth in lover's ear.
And you'll stay wrapped in web of lies
Trapped by all your fears.

I will fall and I will rise up to fall once more.
Phoenix hope in ashen coat, ready for next tour.
Walls I built to protect, I’ll crumble with a phrase,
For there is strength in letting go, to risk can be to save.

Claim victory and throw parades.
Kiss girls in every street.
False heart on sleeve, but no reprieve
From reflection, your self-deceit.

I will fall and I will rise up to fall once more.
Phoenix hope in ashen coat, ready for next tour.
Walls I built to protect, I’ll crumble with a phrase,
For there is strength in letting go, to risk can be to save.

I will fall just to rise up into the sun.
Purified by storm survived, I'm the one's whose won.

Predator

So a couple of weeks ago, I got attacked by a large man on my way home from the BART station. He went for my phone, which was in my hand, and my bag on my shoulder. We fought in what was the scariest two minutes of my life. He managed to rip my phone from my hand but I held onto my bag and fought long enough that a passing cop heard my screaming and flipped on his lights to come check it out. The attacker then ran off and jumped into his buddy's waiting car and took off. I came out with only bruises and scrapes and my bag, though my phone was long gone. I was very lucky he didn't have a weapon and that that cop came by. It was the most alone I have ever felt in my life. But people who attack other people are no longer people in my eyes but predators, and he thought of me as prey, not a person with friends and family. So, in that two minutes, it was war and I felt like i was fighting for my life. All these emotions led to me telling my story as the following piece: Predator. This one should be read aloud for sure.

Predator
Dark predator lie in wait
Perusing potential prey,
Eyeing groups, gauging strength,
Look for loners, solo souls.
No one to hear them scream.
Evil smile with gold grillz gleam.

Watch her walk. She'll never guess
The target on her back.
Pick the moment for approach
Then leap to the attack.

Eyes wide, stunned as bad dream
Becomes hideous reality.
For a second it seems 
She'll go quiet into that good night,
But with feral cry,
The she-cat erupts wild;
Claws and teeth and feet and fight!
Tiger fire burning bright.

Knock her down, bruise and scrape,
She won't quit, her life at stake.
Then sirens' blare and flashing lights
Sends monster fleeing out of sight. 

She fought long enough,
Not to lose if she could not win.
Call it a draw. He'll hunt again,
Inhuman predator, a bogeyman.

But prey will also have her way;
She, her own heroine, saving her day. 

Icarus

I know this blog was supposed to be all poetry, but it seems Ive just written another song. Whoops! :) Of course I'm pretty sure it is doomed to be just lyrics with no tune as I have not tune smithy learnings or the powerful songbird voice needed to make this into a proper song. Ah well, c'est la vie. This one is still a little more "work in progress" than I usually post but I need to get it up and away for a bit to see if it has legs. The song/piece came about from a random Facebook status update I posted that I couldn't get out of my head combined with a little science inspiration from the high resolution microscopy I do. (yeah, nerdy I know.) :) So there will probably be edits to this piece coming but for now here is (with working title) "Icarus":

Icarus
I soared too high on waxen wings
Combed by honeyed words.
Lust’s supernova melted them
And I tumbled down to earth.
No broken bones but broken heart,
My soul so badly bruised.
Scattered feathers in the dark,
Shattered beyond use.

(Chorus)
I’m not yet through the darkness
But the stars are shining bright,
And each day I survive without you
Adds a spot of light.
Time stacks it all together
Until a picture forms,
And what I thought was black night
Is revealed as pinking dawn.

I crawled out of the wreckage
Surprised my legs could stand.
And so I set to walking
Away from false made hands.
Naked in the moonlight,
Your lies all seared away.
I let the pain wash over me,
Turned east, new sun, new day.

(Chorus)
I’m not yet through the darkness
But the stars are shining bright,
And each day I survive without you
Adds a spot of light.
Time stacks it all together
Until a picture forms,
And what I thought was black night
Is revealed as pinking dawn.

Build not wings with fantasies,
Speeches without the deeds.
Fly not on his promises,
Warnings I wouldn’t heed.
So close I flew and burned I did,
Scarred but I survive.
Never same, forever changed,
And running to new life.

(Chorus)
I’m not yet through the darkness
But the stars are shining bright,
And each day I survive without you
Adds a spot of light.
Time stacks it all together
Until a picture forms,
And what I thought was black night
Is revealed as pinking dawn.

I am a creature of the earth,
I should not dare the sky.
Quick Lust may call me to the sun,
But Love grounds with stronger ties.

A challenge

So I run and participate in a monthly creative challenge. This month's bonus challenge was to use a song for inspiration. I chose "Blinding" by Florence and the Machine and wrote a piece playing off one the lyrics in the song. This is perhaps not one of my better pieces as the emotion got pretty lost in the structure and the wordplay. It's a little too repetitive I think. But, it did loosen up the juices and get me cookin' on a piece that I'm really happy with (not finished yet, but posted soon). So sometimes things like this are good if only to prime the pump. :)

And so: "No More" (Formatted as a jpeg for posting on the challenge, I'm just too lazy today to change it at all.)

Fight face

I wrote a long rambley intro to the piece and then decided that everything I had to say just diminished it. And I'm really happy with it so here ya go with no explanation. :)

Fight!

Flash!

Darkened eyes.
Thunder hearts.
Steely fists tight.
Won't back down,
No retreat.
Ring the bell...
Fight!

Clash!

Spitting words,
Cobra quick,
Fury'd hands fly.
Raining pain,
Punishment.
Tick...
Tick.. 
Tick. 
Ti-

Boom!

Hardened breath,
Gasping deep.
Sweat obscures, blind,
Anger fuel
Burns wildfire,
Divorced from mind.

Leap!

Glory high.
Body sings.
Harsh dance of blows.
Perhaps lovers?
Or once friends?
Now simply foes.

Air!

Gassed out.
Muscles scream,
Beg for an end.
Dig for depths,
Warrior strength,
No break nor bend.

Collapse...

Hot sweat,
Blood mixed tears
Water earth sweet.
Right or wrong,
No judgment,
Save Victor and defeat.

A Father's Day poem

So this is a bit belated but is has been a weird couple of weeks. It's like 4am and I've had quite the night of writing. One piece finished, two more in progress, and one started! So much has happened and I haven't had time to write till now. :) But Father's Day weekend is always particularly difficult for me. I have two fathers, my biological father who I have a very rocky relationship with and my step dad, who i love so dearly. I do feel so lucky to have been given a second chance at having a father who is there for me always. I feel like i got to choose him as my father and he chose me as his daughter and that is the basis of the piece. Lots of structure here and uncomplicated wording. Just simple and true, just like him. So without any more ado, here is "Choice" (Update: Made some minor changes to the piece that I've noticed on rereading it a few times!)

Choice
I was child lost and angry.
You stepped into the hole,
Offered love where none had been
To fill an empty role.

Unconditional acceptance,
Pride in all I did,
Steady shoulder to cry on,
Protection when I hid.

Day by day, never absent,
Promises fulfilled.
In the crowd, when I shine,
Your smile is my thrill.

Phone calls just to check in,
Such care in your voice.
You are everything paternal,
The father of my choice.

You did not have to love me
My veins hold not your blood.
I was not your chore,
Yet you dared the flood.

I am not your nature
But your nurture I display,
And you forever change me
For the better every day.

I could not ask for more,
So our flag I proudly hoist.
Luckiest on earth,
I’m the child of your choice.

Dangerous Eyes

Ok, not going to lie. I love this piece. It made me super uncomfortable to write because it is dealing with some super uncomfortable feelings I've been having. But I knew there was some solidity about it and it had to be written. This is definitely a piece that is meant to be read aloud and should make the reader uneasy. It makes me uneasy to post it. But, long story short, I've been going out a lot and I'm not unattractive so guys hit on me. Part of me wants to go and be reckless and make some mistakes. To break a few hearts of my own. And a part of me is still so raw and unhealed that another man's touch just brings too much to the surface, things I've been shoving down and trying to eradicate. And part of me just isn't cruel and part of me is. Perhaps it is too soon for the dating game or perhaps pushing past these negative feelings and making some mistakes will lift some of the depression. Don't know. But the comment that inspired this piece was a guy saying to me, "Those eyes, those eyes are dangerous."

Dangerous Eyes

Dangerous eyes
Of heartbroken girl,
Blackened windows' pain.
You'll want slow smile to unfurl,
But she's reckless in her prey.

She'll draw you in with quiet gaze,
Sweet promise of dark sin,
Of sleepless nights' warm embrace,
Beading sweat skin 'gainst skin.

Take heed of her hesitation,
Words of warning offered true.
Don't tarry long or dare to hope.
She loves him still though bedding you.

Yet heroes' lust rakes verbal leaves,
Fallen piles set hot afire.
And you'll ignore flashing lights,
Jump ship toward siren desire.

Think you will escape, young sir?
Not lose nor grow attached?
Her throaty laugh won't haunt your ears?
Her scent won't call you back?

She may offer body bliss,
Heated play by night.
But sleep a bit and slipped away,
She's gone by morning light.

Flown away without a trace,
No notes, unanswered cell.
Her taste will linger in your lips
And you'll be left in hell.

Run! Flee those dangerous eyes
Of such a heartbroken girl.
Don't chance their cavernous depths
Or you may drown in tidal whirl.

Curves

A quick note before the piece. This piece was inspired by a wonderful conversation from some lovely ladies about health, weight, and curvyness. I'm all about being the healthiest person you can be but also glorying in a body that has done so much and has so much strength regardless of its shape. Thank you for the inspiration!!! Oh, this will be posted as a picture because the formatting is important and I'm not sure it will come through as a copy and paste. So below, "Curves"

It's all about the wordplay...

Looking around and finding happiness in the small things. Trying to get everything my head knows down to my heart and slowly getting a lighter load. Things still hit me at the times of stress and exhaustion but they are fewer. Got a lovely tattoo this past weekend and let the sting and the pain be physical incarnations of emotional hurt. And now it becomes something beautiful and strong, a permanent reminder that I can survive and find strength and grace despite it all. Ok, enough rambling, off to poetry! The following piece was started a few weeks ago, but I didn't finish it until a couple of days ago. I think the emotion of the piece might have gotten a little lost in the wordplay but that made it fun for me and took my mind from a dark spiral to a playful place. So many cliches have been said to me lately that what came out when I wrote this was cliche city! So, perhaps not lyrical gold, but fun wordplay though dark fun to be sure. Can you catch all the sayings?

Internal Letters


Dear Heart,

Head here.
Wtf?
He's just not;
not the guy,
not of dreams,
not that in.
To you, I know,
it's hard to breath.
Drawn pictures; tears
for torn apart
promises.
Broken pie crusts
spilled,
pain milking emotions.
Don't cry. Over
time we're better.
Off we'll ride,
no sunset horizon,
but through the darkest.
Just blink before.
Embrace
fresh dawn.

Luv,
Head


Dear Head,

Heart here.
I know. You're right.
But as leaves must,
I had to fall.
On deaf ears 
your rationale
could not turn.
A blind eye is love,
sees beauty in only
a touch of skin. Deep
kisses should
tell truth, instead
singing lies.
In the rain tears
are invisible.
Yes, Head, I know.
Hide pain. Seek
strength. In
numbering days 
will wounds heal.
It's just all time,
'till the message
comes through.

Love,
Heart

Degrees of separation

Found out this week that one of my girlfriends I love best is moving to Seattle. It will be a grand adventure for her and I'm so happy for her, but I will miss her like crazy. It also seems I can't escape the Seattle connections even when I try. Which brings me to my current state. How do you put someone out of your mind and heart when everything seems tailor made to remind you of them. I'm sure it's a matter of skewed perspective and perception. Maybe when you lose after trying your best it always feels wrong, unbalanced, out of sync. Anyways, I started writing and what came out was song lyrics I think. Just need to find a tune to fit. Maybe I'll make an attempt. We'll see. I wish it portrayed me as a stronger woman but perhaps loving intensly, though apparently the wrong person, is a strength somehow. Enough musing, here are the lyrics to (Update! Been messing around with the piece so below are the updated lyrics :)! )

Seattle Rain

The lines of you still linger
Won't grant me brief reprieve
Your scent hangs upon air
The reason I can't breathe

Fingerprints of careless love
Mark my world in colors of you

Chorus
Thoughts of us still haunt me
Heart bound in ghostly chains
You slip through all defenses
Softly as Seattle rain

Even when I kiss him
All I see is your face
My broken heart still bleeding
Ever persistent aches

Fingerprints of careless love
Mark my world in colors of you

Chorus
Thoughts of us still haunt me
Heart bound in ghostly chains
You slip through all defenses
Softly as Seattle rain

When will I escape this love
That binds me tightly to the past
Screaming, pleading even now
Why did u leave? Come back!

Why did u leave? Come back!

Why did you leave?

Don't come back (spoken?)


Fingerprints of careless love
Mark my world in colors of you

(chorus again?)

Wash clear my eyes with tears
Let them erode away the pain
Let time erase you from my heart
Softly as Seattle rain

The Lovers' Prayer

The following is the piece I wrote for my grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary. They are truly amazing people and just as devoted to each other now as they were when they got married. True love is incredibly breathtaking. So this piece has a few lines that are specific to them but I think I could easily generalize it without too much trouble. :) I was asked to read it in front of the whole family and friends crew at the anniversary party. I was shaking like a leaf because this whole sharing my writing with other people is new to me and somewhat terrifying but I was told my voice was steady enough. :) Anyways, they loved it and that is all that matters. :) (of course they are properly biased in my favor!) Without further ado...


The Lovers' Prayer

As I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the lord my love to keep.
Let it shine from soul to eyes,
Forever honest, never lied.

Grow it strong in times of trial.
Fade not with the time or miles.
Unshaken come rich or poor.
Increase with children numbered four.

Keep us kind when we must scream.
Bring joy beyond wildest dreams.
Let there be a hand in mine,
Forever partner by my side.

I promise to have and hold
Lovers young through growing old.
Births and deaths, in health and ill,
With you, my love, my life is filled.

Please forgive flaws, humor quirks.
Let "us" be our greatest work.
I could never seek to roam,
For where you are is always home.

I will not ask for more of life
Than only husband to only wife.
Let love stay true, no doubt or fear,
Standing strong past sixty years.

Aftermath

Flew off to see my whole extended family this weekend which meant lots of plane time and lots of time to think and write. Wrote two pieces but one needs a bit more revision before I post though I am very pleased with my cleverness...lol. As for this piece it is again a structured piece but has some lines that just make my mouth happy to say them. Had a bit of what I think is going to be closure last week and I'm hoping all that is left is for time to pass. That said, this piece is about finding bits of happiness creeping into what seemed a bleak and depressing world. Funny how that works, you think you'll never stop crying but then someone makes you laugh, or you find yourself singing along to the radio. Whatever your baseline capacity for happiness is, it seems your body and mind will always steer you back there. And now "Aftermath".

Aftermath

Eyes that wept
Washed crystal clear.
Dark chocolate intensity
Burns away tears.

Shoulders long heavy
By Heart's gravity increased,
Thrown open to pride,
Confidence their new lease.

Smiles empty of joy,
Mockeries of mirth,
Find spontaneous spark,
A happy rebirth.

Faltering strides,
Steps leadened with pain,
Surprised into dance.
Bright sun follows rain.

Sorrow muted voice
Unable to sing,
Bursts forth as lipped flood,
Unconscious warbling.

Heart well convinced
Of wound impossible deep,
Sees daily regrowth,
Steel tempered but sweet.

Body without breath,
Gasping at straws,
Breaks through to the surface,
Launched skyward at dawn.

Naught is forever.
Rough wears to smooth.
Survive by endurance.
You've mountains to move.

A Lie Believed....

Ok, well, two steps forward, one step back. I promise at some point this blog will not longer be all depressing poetry about heartbreak and trampled on love, but for now, while I'm working through stuff, this is what I'm writing. The good news is that every piece I finish drains off a little of the hurt. But since I'm writing and posting for me, well, this is what gets put out there. :) I'm not sure about this piece, it feels a little overworked though there are some good lines in it. Rhyme and meter are so comfortable for me that sometimes doing unstructured pieces like this are quite a challenge and doesn't sit quite right. However, change is good and you gotta try, even if it isn't quite as strong as I would like. So, to pull out my soapbox for a sec, I am very very careful about using the L-word in a relationship. I don't say it lightly or without meaning it with my whole heart. I'm finding that other people use the word to lightly or perhaps don't know what love really is. It is also possible that some people just like being in love and so they fall in and out of it quickly. I'm not one of those people, I don't fall lightly (or practically ever) but when I do, I'm in it all the way. It means that I love honestly and completely, it also means i get hurt. Lucky for me it doesn't happen too often or I'd be a nutcase! :) And with that, some poetry finally!

A Lie Believed

Explain,
How you lied with eyes
Gazing deep in mine;
Tender, steady,
Electric connection.
I swore it was there.

Depths down,
Clean joy.
The last eyes I saw
Shouted forever,
Though your voice
Cross phone lines,
Data stream deception,
Claims no more;
Cites too much static,
Dropped calls between hearts
No longer in service.

No peace,
No reconciliation 
'Tween remembered eyes
And distant voice.
Dual people, one body:
Optical illusion,
Oral denial.

How ever to trust
Your lover eyes
Or separate
Real from false?
When is a touch
For all the ages
Or merely glancing blow?

Why are your words
Careless, nothing,
Tissue paper 
Broken in the wind?

Who are you to play
At forever
Standing in the door;
Coming home,
Leaving town,
I always unsure.

Your truth was lie believed
And our loves from
Disparate bases.
You, moment by moment,
I committed to time.
Changeling vs hometown,
I was,
Doomed at first kiss.

Looking for clarity...

I am one of those people who is who they are 100% of the time. It makes me a very poor actor because I cannot lose myself in another personality or pretend to be anything other than what I am. This is sometimes a good thing and sometimes bad in that I cannot adapt to every situation. However, when you are a person like me, it makes dealing with very "adaptable" people very hard and very confusing because they can change personalities pretty drastically from situation to situation. So that you never feel quite comfortable or secure as things might shift at any moment. The following piece is exploring a "chameleon" person and the fact that to a person like me, I cannot understand their variability.

Chameleon

Perfect mimic,
Reflection of
Borrowed persons' cues.
How long to ape till timid core
Is forever lost to you?

Blended in,
Inoffensive,
Commits no harm or foul.
But confronted without backdrop,
What color flashes now?

Mutable,
Adaptive,
Untouched and not a scar.
Yet lacking definition,
Can one know who you are?

Chameleon,
Ever changing,
Fluid scene by scene.
Never lie and never truth.
Is there nothing but between?

Stopping the crying... With rhyme

Another late night full of tears but this time I just started writing and that stopped the downward spiral. Lots of stricter to the piece and I think concentrating on that allowed me to calm and recenter. Wrote a couple last night but only posting one now. Hardest thing in the world is to have loved your partner and to realize that at best their love was passing.

How Long?

How long to mend a broken heart?
How many tears must fall?
When will I forget your touch,
Stop waiting for your call?

How many nights must come and go?
What sum of days must pass?
Until my heart rebuilds itself
And you are but the last.

Hour by hour soldier on,
Bleed but battle through.
Pride as cauterizing knife,
Time scars over wounds.

You are but a moment,
Short chapter in my book.
Though I loved true, you did not,
And back I'll never look.

Couplets

I love working within structure when it comes to poetry. Free form is lovely and often expressive but the challenge of meter and rhyme forces creativity in the word choice and phrasing. So often I will do pieces with strict structure, though the meter is a bit off here. This following piece is still expressing my current state of heartbroken confusion, but I think it is the calmer end. A lighter rethinking of questions one should ask before falling in love...if you can even ask questions before. Again, rough and probably needs some work.

Will you?

Will you love me as I love you,
Or will you break my heart in two?

Will love last through all the days,
Or like the sunset slowly fade?

Will we put the other first,
Or be attention starved and thirst?

Can I trust your hand in mine,
Or be left come intemperate clime?

Does your gaze show me your soul,
Or changing masque, a gambler's roll?

Will you love me as I love you?
Time alone can answer true.

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time I was totally in love. That got smashed to bits, but before the wrecking ball, I wrote the piece below. I need to send it out to the universe to get it away from me. Keeping it secret is like holding a futile hope in your heart, you have to cut it out or it will haunt you. But just so it's not all doom and gloom up on this blog, here is a piece from happier times. Love seems to be a fertile emotional writing ground, both jumping off the cliff and hitting the rocks below. :)

Paths of Electricity

I rummage among my brains
Spring cleaning memories from knowledge.
Facts to the front, emotions centered,
Fenced.
Sensory experiences stack temporally.
And though most go gently into their place,
Bits of you are strewn about
Refusing containment.
Your smiles hang upon my walls in grand canvases,
Graffiti laughter splashed across grey matter.
Aural drums pound out your voice
Triumphant song from whispered phrase
“I love you”.
Shivering remembrances of
Your hands on mine,
Your hand in mine,
Flit ghostly through
Softly as Seattle rain but wear deep grooves,
Tuning muscles to thoughts till one cannot be done
In isolation.
I find your footsteps on my neurons
Treading paths of electricity.

Late night emotional purge

I wrote this last night. Couldn't sleep though exhausted, mind whirling between heartbreak and anger. I had to get it out, purge the poison. The result is "2 AM". It is still pretty raw and needs work, but i'm unclear as to whether I will clean it up or leave it as a memento to these days.

2 AM

2am insomnia,
Here on the couch
Curled under blankets
Defending shattered heart.
The bed looms too large,
A queen with no king.
My head full of reasons
Of better offs and if onlys.
My heart full of
Comebacks and
Come backs...

Please...

Pain leadens,
Dead gravity
Pushing all but
Eyelids soaked in tears,
Eyelids wide with fears
Closed.

The crazed pieces
Of still warm heart
Beat in dissonance,
Longing for
Touch induced harmony.
A puzzle for the ages.
Does anyone remember
How the pieces fit?

R u awake (e)X?
Do u sleep sound?
Dreamless sleep of
Justified.
Do u toss, reaching
Across the space
Seeking warmth?
My hand, my body
Naked, open to your arms.
Do u lie staring,
Counting ceiling tiles
Mine eyes fixed in
mind's eye?

No second chance.
Twice shy and well bitten
Screams for once more!
2am duality,
Awake and alone.

Solace from the past

A poem from long ago. I don't know why I wrote it then, but it brings me comfort in my situation. The wordiness belies my youth, clearly never revised, but the message stays strong.

Smile!

Smile!
Life is not that bad.
The sun still rose,
Rays through the smudged window,
Squinting bleary eyes,
Shielding puffy face from that penetrating glare.
How dare he be so sunny.
Shouldn't the world cry too..

Smile!
Life is not that hard.
The wind still blows,
Briskly throwing hair in face,
Tangling, mangling half an hour's work,
In just three seconds.
How dare she be so breezy.
Shouldn't the world be still and dank..

Smile!
Life is not that that cruel.
Trees standing proud,
Glistening green in the morning dew.
Flowers lending sweet fragrances
To the morning trills of early birds.
How dare they be so alive.
Shouldn't the world have died..

Without you..

About me

I am no artist. I make no claims for artistic ability or creative fervor. I do not perform. But words drip from me, some good, some bad. Some twists of phrase that must be put with others for a story, or an emotion. Words drip from me as a way to expunge them from my brain, my heart, my soul. This keeps me from twisting up inside and building the walls higher. So please enjoy (or don't) my pieces for what they are, not a stepping stone to artistic achievement, but cries from a soul and musings of a mind. Some happy, some sad, some just for wordplay. An uncertain poet at best.