A Lie Believed....

Ok, well, two steps forward, one step back. I promise at some point this blog will not longer be all depressing poetry about heartbreak and trampled on love, but for now, while I'm working through stuff, this is what I'm writing. The good news is that every piece I finish drains off a little of the hurt. But since I'm writing and posting for me, well, this is what gets put out there. :) I'm not sure about this piece, it feels a little overworked though there are some good lines in it. Rhyme and meter are so comfortable for me that sometimes doing unstructured pieces like this are quite a challenge and doesn't sit quite right. However, change is good and you gotta try, even if it isn't quite as strong as I would like. So, to pull out my soapbox for a sec, I am very very careful about using the L-word in a relationship. I don't say it lightly or without meaning it with my whole heart. I'm finding that other people use the word to lightly or perhaps don't know what love really is. It is also possible that some people just like being in love and so they fall in and out of it quickly. I'm not one of those people, I don't fall lightly (or practically ever) but when I do, I'm in it all the way. It means that I love honestly and completely, it also means i get hurt. Lucky for me it doesn't happen too often or I'd be a nutcase! :) And with that, some poetry finally!

A Lie Believed

Explain,
How you lied with eyes
Gazing deep in mine;
Tender, steady,
Electric connection.
I swore it was there.

Depths down,
Clean joy.
The last eyes I saw
Shouted forever,
Though your voice
Cross phone lines,
Data stream deception,
Claims no more;
Cites too much static,
Dropped calls between hearts
No longer in service.

No peace,
No reconciliation 
'Tween remembered eyes
And distant voice.
Dual people, one body:
Optical illusion,
Oral denial.

How ever to trust
Your lover eyes
Or separate
Real from false?
When is a touch
For all the ages
Or merely glancing blow?

Why are your words
Careless, nothing,
Tissue paper 
Broken in the wind?

Who are you to play
At forever
Standing in the door;
Coming home,
Leaving town,
I always unsure.

Your truth was lie believed
And our loves from
Disparate bases.
You, moment by moment,
I committed to time.
Changeling vs hometown,
I was,
Doomed at first kiss.

Looking for clarity...

I am one of those people who is who they are 100% of the time. It makes me a very poor actor because I cannot lose myself in another personality or pretend to be anything other than what I am. This is sometimes a good thing and sometimes bad in that I cannot adapt to every situation. However, when you are a person like me, it makes dealing with very "adaptable" people very hard and very confusing because they can change personalities pretty drastically from situation to situation. So that you never feel quite comfortable or secure as things might shift at any moment. The following piece is exploring a "chameleon" person and the fact that to a person like me, I cannot understand their variability.

Chameleon

Perfect mimic,
Reflection of
Borrowed persons' cues.
How long to ape till timid core
Is forever lost to you?

Blended in,
Inoffensive,
Commits no harm or foul.
But confronted without backdrop,
What color flashes now?

Mutable,
Adaptive,
Untouched and not a scar.
Yet lacking definition,
Can one know who you are?

Chameleon,
Ever changing,
Fluid scene by scene.
Never lie and never truth.
Is there nothing but between?

Stopping the crying... With rhyme

Another late night full of tears but this time I just started writing and that stopped the downward spiral. Lots of stricter to the piece and I think concentrating on that allowed me to calm and recenter. Wrote a couple last night but only posting one now. Hardest thing in the world is to have loved your partner and to realize that at best their love was passing.

How Long?

How long to mend a broken heart?
How many tears must fall?
When will I forget your touch,
Stop waiting for your call?

How many nights must come and go?
What sum of days must pass?
Until my heart rebuilds itself
And you are but the last.

Hour by hour soldier on,
Bleed but battle through.
Pride as cauterizing knife,
Time scars over wounds.

You are but a moment,
Short chapter in my book.
Though I loved true, you did not,
And back I'll never look.

Couplets

I love working within structure when it comes to poetry. Free form is lovely and often expressive but the challenge of meter and rhyme forces creativity in the word choice and phrasing. So often I will do pieces with strict structure, though the meter is a bit off here. This following piece is still expressing my current state of heartbroken confusion, but I think it is the calmer end. A lighter rethinking of questions one should ask before falling in love...if you can even ask questions before. Again, rough and probably needs some work.

Will you?

Will you love me as I love you,
Or will you break my heart in two?

Will love last through all the days,
Or like the sunset slowly fade?

Will we put the other first,
Or be attention starved and thirst?

Can I trust your hand in mine,
Or be left come intemperate clime?

Does your gaze show me your soul,
Or changing masque, a gambler's roll?

Will you love me as I love you?
Time alone can answer true.

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time I was totally in love. That got smashed to bits, but before the wrecking ball, I wrote the piece below. I need to send it out to the universe to get it away from me. Keeping it secret is like holding a futile hope in your heart, you have to cut it out or it will haunt you. But just so it's not all doom and gloom up on this blog, here is a piece from happier times. Love seems to be a fertile emotional writing ground, both jumping off the cliff and hitting the rocks below. :)

Paths of Electricity

I rummage among my brains
Spring cleaning memories from knowledge.
Facts to the front, emotions centered,
Fenced.
Sensory experiences stack temporally.
And though most go gently into their place,
Bits of you are strewn about
Refusing containment.
Your smiles hang upon my walls in grand canvases,
Graffiti laughter splashed across grey matter.
Aural drums pound out your voice
Triumphant song from whispered phrase
“I love you”.
Shivering remembrances of
Your hands on mine,
Your hand in mine,
Flit ghostly through
Softly as Seattle rain but wear deep grooves,
Tuning muscles to thoughts till one cannot be done
In isolation.
I find your footsteps on my neurons
Treading paths of electricity.

Late night emotional purge

I wrote this last night. Couldn't sleep though exhausted, mind whirling between heartbreak and anger. I had to get it out, purge the poison. The result is "2 AM". It is still pretty raw and needs work, but i'm unclear as to whether I will clean it up or leave it as a memento to these days.

2 AM

2am insomnia,
Here on the couch
Curled under blankets
Defending shattered heart.
The bed looms too large,
A queen with no king.
My head full of reasons
Of better offs and if onlys.
My heart full of
Comebacks and
Come backs...

Please...

Pain leadens,
Dead gravity
Pushing all but
Eyelids soaked in tears,
Eyelids wide with fears
Closed.

The crazed pieces
Of still warm heart
Beat in dissonance,
Longing for
Touch induced harmony.
A puzzle for the ages.
Does anyone remember
How the pieces fit?

R u awake (e)X?
Do u sleep sound?
Dreamless sleep of
Justified.
Do u toss, reaching
Across the space
Seeking warmth?
My hand, my body
Naked, open to your arms.
Do u lie staring,
Counting ceiling tiles
Mine eyes fixed in
mind's eye?

No second chance.
Twice shy and well bitten
Screams for once more!
2am duality,
Awake and alone.

Solace from the past

A poem from long ago. I don't know why I wrote it then, but it brings me comfort in my situation. The wordiness belies my youth, clearly never revised, but the message stays strong.

Smile!

Smile!
Life is not that bad.
The sun still rose,
Rays through the smudged window,
Squinting bleary eyes,
Shielding puffy face from that penetrating glare.
How dare he be so sunny.
Shouldn't the world cry too..

Smile!
Life is not that hard.
The wind still blows,
Briskly throwing hair in face,
Tangling, mangling half an hour's work,
In just three seconds.
How dare she be so breezy.
Shouldn't the world be still and dank..

Smile!
Life is not that that cruel.
Trees standing proud,
Glistening green in the morning dew.
Flowers lending sweet fragrances
To the morning trills of early birds.
How dare they be so alive.
Shouldn't the world have died..

Without you..

About me

I am no artist. I make no claims for artistic ability or creative fervor. I do not perform. But words drip from me, some good, some bad. Some twists of phrase that must be put with others for a story, or an emotion. Words drip from me as a way to expunge them from my brain, my heart, my soul. This keeps me from twisting up inside and building the walls higher. So please enjoy (or don't) my pieces for what they are, not a stepping stone to artistic achievement, but cries from a soul and musings of a mind. Some happy, some sad, some just for wordplay. An uncertain poet at best.